I have seen this happen so many times -- and seen it work so many times -- I feel I am an expert.
So, men, listen up.
Should you or your girl friend, estranged wife, ex-wife, surly father-in-law, kid brother or handicapped sister be approached by twenty thugs, terrorists or bad cops armed with fully automatic weapons, grenades, helicopters and ballistic protective vests...follow me if you want to live.
Grab your significant other and a single hand-gun, and run into an old industrial warehouse. A barn will do in a rural setting. So will your house if you are in the burbs.
The thugs will fan out surrounding your position.
If you are holed up in your house, now is the time to place all crystal and fine china in a vault.
The thugs will open up on full automatic as they walk slowly toward you.
This will mostly punch holes in the barn and destroy all wall hangings and appliances in the house.
One of the thugs will look at another thug with a satisfied smile. None of the thugs will reload.
This is when you jump up and shoot half of them with your pistol.
Then you run. You grab the hand of your ex-wife, present girlfriend, kid brother or sullen father-in-law first.
You run like hell out the back door, which the thugs did not think to cover.
In a clearing, you make a stand and wipe out most of the remaining ten thugs, but the ninth thug, usually the best friend or lieutenant of the number one thug, gets the drop on you.
Wait until he cocks his gun, aims it at your head and says clearly and distinctly, "No, you don't deserve to die fast."
This is a sure sign that as he is slowly strangling you, or placing a cage of scorpions around your head, your ex wife, present girlfriend, kid brother or father-in-law has picked up one of the bad guy's weapons.
Up until this point, they may have been Quakers or vegans who let spiders out of the house. But they say, 'Well, maybe just this once" and drill the number nine bad guy in the back.
They then find out they kind of like this and, having never touched an automatic weapon before, lay down effective suppressive fire, killing all the other bad guys except the tenth, worst guy.
The worst guy runs out of ammo after firing 5,000 rounds through his 100 round magazine. You run out of ammo after firing 1,000 rounds through your 30 round magazine.
Fortunately, both of your are martial arts champions.
You soon subdue him but you choose not to kill him.
(You may be tempted to kill him, but you have a flashback involving "the war" or the death of a favorite childhood pet and realize violence is no good.)
In one last treacherous gesture, he attempts to kill you but is undone by his own greed.
If he is a drug lord, he steps on a rotten plank and falls into a meth cooker. If he is a terrorist, he pulls out a knife and unwittingly triggers the bomb he has strapped to himself.
If he is a corrupt policeman, he successfully gets his ankle carry gun out and fires at you but your father-in-law dives in slow motion between you and the bullet. With his last breath, he says you weren't a pussy after all, or at least not as big a one as he thought you were.
If it was your girlfriend, ex-wife, estranged wife or kid brother who took the bullet, they are only wounded and tell you they really love you. Lots.
You now pursue the villain -- who runs gun in hand into the field of fire of an honest swat team and is killled. Ironically and in slow mo.
Credits up. You get the girl. Or your kid brother likes you again.
Note: This does not work with zombies. "Zombieland" provides decent enough rules with no further work on my part.
So, men, listen up.
Should you or your girl friend, estranged wife, ex-wife, surly father-in-law, kid brother or handicapped sister be approached by twenty thugs, terrorists or bad cops armed with fully automatic weapons, grenades, helicopters and ballistic protective vests...follow me if you want to live.
Grab your significant other and a single hand-gun, and run into an old industrial warehouse. A barn will do in a rural setting. So will your house if you are in the burbs.
The thugs will fan out surrounding your position.
If you are holed up in your house, now is the time to place all crystal and fine china in a vault.
The thugs will open up on full automatic as they walk slowly toward you.
This will mostly punch holes in the barn and destroy all wall hangings and appliances in the house.
One of the thugs will look at another thug with a satisfied smile. None of the thugs will reload.
This is when you jump up and shoot half of them with your pistol.
Then you run. You grab the hand of your ex-wife, present girlfriend, kid brother or sullen father-in-law first.
You run like hell out the back door, which the thugs did not think to cover.
In a clearing, you make a stand and wipe out most of the remaining ten thugs, but the ninth thug, usually the best friend or lieutenant of the number one thug, gets the drop on you.
Wait until he cocks his gun, aims it at your head and says clearly and distinctly, "No, you don't deserve to die fast."
This is a sure sign that as he is slowly strangling you, or placing a cage of scorpions around your head, your ex wife, present girlfriend, kid brother or father-in-law has picked up one of the bad guy's weapons.
Up until this point, they may have been Quakers or vegans who let spiders out of the house. But they say, 'Well, maybe just this once" and drill the number nine bad guy in the back.
They then find out they kind of like this and, having never touched an automatic weapon before, lay down effective suppressive fire, killing all the other bad guys except the tenth, worst guy.
The worst guy runs out of ammo after firing 5,000 rounds through his 100 round magazine. You run out of ammo after firing 1,000 rounds through your 30 round magazine.
Fortunately, both of your are martial arts champions.
You soon subdue him but you choose not to kill him.
(You may be tempted to kill him, but you have a flashback involving "the war" or the death of a favorite childhood pet and realize violence is no good.)
In one last treacherous gesture, he attempts to kill you but is undone by his own greed.
If he is a drug lord, he steps on a rotten plank and falls into a meth cooker. If he is a terrorist, he pulls out a knife and unwittingly triggers the bomb he has strapped to himself.
If he is a corrupt policeman, he successfully gets his ankle carry gun out and fires at you but your father-in-law dives in slow motion between you and the bullet. With his last breath, he says you weren't a pussy after all, or at least not as big a one as he thought you were.
If it was your girlfriend, ex-wife, estranged wife or kid brother who took the bullet, they are only wounded and tell you they really love you. Lots.
You now pursue the villain -- who runs gun in hand into the field of fire of an honest swat team and is killled. Ironically and in slow mo.
Credits up. You get the girl. Or your kid brother likes you again.
Note: This does not work with zombies. "Zombieland" provides decent enough rules with no further work on my part.
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