If there were indeed a radical center, a movement that was intent on us settling wasteful, decades-old debates, a third party that brought the left and right together by (metaphorically) cracking heads one against the other, here is what that cracking might sound like.
Right, stay out of bedrooms and away from our bodies.
If you don't like gays, don't marry one.
If you don't want an abortion, don't have one.
You lost this debate. Roe v Wade is the law of the land. Get over it. Put your energy into constructive education programs that show love and compassion not hatred and disgust.
If you are worried that cousin Jethro is wearing pink nighties, talk to him in person, don't threaten him with a jail term.
You might get somewhere that way instead of just being mean church people.
Left, stay out of gun cabinets.
If you don't like guns, don't buy one.
If you want to control guns, then do buy one -- and control that one.
You have no chance at gun control, have said enormously stupid things about the issue, and the right to bear arms is now the law of the land.
Get over it.
Put your energy into constructive education programs -- or other issues that do not isolate your natural allies at the polls (out-of-work deer hunters.)
Right now, every time you open your mouth, you increase NRA membership.
Right, get out of the regulations are evil mode.
Fracking would make sense if regulated. But no one trusts it can be because of your "starve the beast mode"of the past 30 years.
Left, support well-regulated fracking.
It's no more risky than sending our young military men and women to feudal countries that hate us so we can send oil in leaky tankers halfway around the world to power my iPad.
Right, provide us with a distinct and practical conservative platform
...that controls spending and emphasizes individual rights, not a suicide pact love note to Magic Capitalism, Ayn Rand and two percent of the nation. Embrace the best of conservatism, not fundamentalists and cult figures.
Left, concede that a market economy is vital
...and concentrate on simple but effective regulation moving forward not Gordon Gecko-on-the-guillotine revenge scripts. Why no prosecutions? Ask the Dems. They coulda. They probably shoulda. They didn't. Now it's too late. Move on, as a certain organization says.
Right, re-read GOP 2000 platform on foreign policy,
...nation building, Powell Doctrine. Apply liberally, rinse, repeat.
Left, lose the political correctness that really does undermine basic rights.
"Sensitivity" is not a reason to refrain from publishing cartoons of Allah or in other ways criticize other cultures.
You have to have political courage and a set of balls at least equal to those of the producers of South Park. You really can't compromise with tyrants.
To understand all is to excuse all. Sometimes there are just bad boys, not misunderstood boys, just really, really bad ones who run whole countries and issue death sentences for artists and writers who roll even slightly the "wrong way."
Right, fess up and become self aware and come out of the closet:
Most of you are closeted socialists.
The most conservative red states receive the best return on their fed tax dollars, receiving far more from the feds than they pay in.
You don't have to change the constitution to cut federal spending. Just send the money you don't want back to the treasury.
You talk one game, but in the bathroom stall of government funding, you've got a real "wide stance."
Left, stop being appalled that courts have equated money and free speech.
Money talks? Really? You needed a court to tell you that? Name one national campaign the Dems lost because of a lack of money. Stop complaining and start raising money. There's plenty on the left.
Right, stop trying to "swiftboat" Obama.
It won't work this time because you really have no traction other than the racist appeal to his half-blackness.
He's more conservative than Ike, for Chrissakes.
Go that way and it will and should backfire on you.
He's given you enough issues, if you can scare up a candidate who does not speak in tongues or have flies buzzing about the head.
Left, stop complaining about Karl Rove
...and his unethical bully boy tactics.
He is all of that but mostly he's smarter and faster than you are.
You can't fight bullies by telling the teacher. You have to take them on and beat the poop out of them. If Rove brings a knife, you bring a pistol. If he brings a pistol, you bring a shotgun.
There's no lasting power in being a victim.
Left and right, honor our military men and women first and foremost by picking places of battle carefully. Superior force, clear exit strategy, defined mission.
Am I saying all these things?
Goodness no.
That would make me a radical centrist.
Right, stay out of bedrooms and away from our bodies.
If you don't like gays, don't marry one.
If you don't want an abortion, don't have one.
You lost this debate. Roe v Wade is the law of the land. Get over it. Put your energy into constructive education programs that show love and compassion not hatred and disgust.
If you are worried that cousin Jethro is wearing pink nighties, talk to him in person, don't threaten him with a jail term.
You might get somewhere that way instead of just being mean church people.
Left, stay out of gun cabinets.
If you don't like guns, don't buy one.
If you want to control guns, then do buy one -- and control that one.
You have no chance at gun control, have said enormously stupid things about the issue, and the right to bear arms is now the law of the land. Get over it.
Put your energy into constructive education programs -- or other issues that do not isolate your natural allies at the polls (out-of-work deer hunters.)
Right now, every time you open your mouth, you increase NRA membership.
Right, get out of the regulations are evil mode.
Fracking would make sense if regulated. But no one trusts it can be because of your "starve the beast mode"of the past 30 years.
Left, support well-regulated fracking.
It's no more risky than sending our young military men and women to feudal countries that hate us so we can send oil in leaky tankers halfway around the world to power my iPad.
Right, provide us with a distinct and practical conservative platform
...that controls spending and emphasizes individual rights, not a suicide pact love note to Magic Capitalism, Ayn Rand and two percent of the nation. Embrace the best of conservatism, not fundamentalists and cult figures.
Left, concede that a market economy is vital
...and concentrate on simple but effective regulation moving forward not Gordon Gecko-on-the-guillotine revenge scripts. Why no prosecutions? Ask the Dems. They coulda. They probably shoulda. They didn't. Now it's too late. Move on, as a certain organization says.
Right, re-read GOP 2000 platform on foreign policy,
...nation building, Powell Doctrine. Apply liberally, rinse, repeat.
Left, lose the political correctness that really does undermine basic rights.
"Sensitivity" is not a reason to refrain from publishing cartoons of Allah or in other ways criticize other cultures.
You have to have political courage and a set of balls at least equal to those of the producers of South Park. You really can't compromise with tyrants.
To understand all is to excuse all. Sometimes there are just bad boys, not misunderstood boys, just really, really bad ones who run whole countries and issue death sentences for artists and writers who roll even slightly the "wrong way."
Right, fess up and become self aware and come out of the closet:
Most of you are closeted socialists.
The most conservative red states receive the best return on their fed tax dollars, receiving far more from the feds than they pay in.
You don't have to change the constitution to cut federal spending. Just send the money you don't want back to the treasury.
You talk one game, but in the bathroom stall of government funding, you've got a real "wide stance."
Left, stop being appalled that courts have equated money and free speech.
Money talks? Really? You needed a court to tell you that? Name one national campaign the Dems lost because of a lack of money. Stop complaining and start raising money. There's plenty on the left.
Right, stop trying to "swiftboat" Obama.
It won't work this time because you really have no traction other than the racist appeal to his half-blackness.
He's more conservative than Ike, for Chrissakes.
Go that way and it will and should backfire on you.
He's given you enough issues, if you can scare up a candidate who does not speak in tongues or have flies buzzing about the head.
Left, stop complaining about Karl Rove
...and his unethical bully boy tactics.
He is all of that but mostly he's smarter and faster than you are.
You can't fight bullies by telling the teacher. You have to take them on and beat the poop out of them. If Rove brings a knife, you bring a pistol. If he brings a pistol, you bring a shotgun.
There's no lasting power in being a victim.
Right, end the war on drugs.
Even conservative thinkers understand we are just shaping the market for drugs -- not eliminating it -- and assuring that violent people are in charge.
Even conservative thinkers understand we are just shaping the market for drugs -- not eliminating it -- and assuring that violent people are in charge.
Am I saying all these things?
Goodness no.
That would make me a radical centrist.
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